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XinsubordinateXangelX
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5th-Apr-2011 01:19 am - *Flinch*

  Eh. So getting high on a bunch of cold medicine and texting the guy I like saying how crazy I am was probably among some of the worse life decisions I've ever made. I do that everytime I get screwed up on cold medicine, it messes with my head and makes me feel crazy, either that or I go into really long monologues about how I want to try freeze dried food....either way I really really really need to stop taking so much cold medicine.  My liver and stomach are beginning to resent me, I'm sure. I'm also just about certain I blew stuff with that guy, for one he's not a fan of drugs and two, guys just don't like me once they get to know me.

  What else is new? Ah. One of my old Ana buddies IM'd on facebook. I feel so ashamed anytime I talk to any of my Ana buddies because I've lost all my will-power and self-control. They are all so good at resisting their hungry and here I am, eating every meal plus snacks like a hungry hippopotamus. I felt so amazing when I could control myself around food, when I could say 'No, I'm not hungry after 2 of not eating.' I miss the power and strength I drew from my fasting. I live a lot of my life without self-control, I can't control when I get in my self-destructive moods, and take a razor blade to my skin or over-dose on cold medicine, I know that sounds stupid, but it's almost like I black out for that time period. I can't control weather or not my Dad's cancer comes back, or if my mother gets back on pills and goes crazy again, or if I go completely crazy one-day just like her, I can't control if my sisters hate me, or no longer need me,  I can't control that I've lost most of my friends, I can't control that my extended family is falling apart, or that despite how hard I study I will never be good at math. However what I could control was how many calories I put in my mouth, how many numbers went down on the scale, and now I've even lost control of that and to be honest that scares me, because that means I really truly no longer have control of my life.  I feel so scared, I just want someone to tell me I can get through this and that it's going to be okay, but no one ever will because I can't control the compulsive need I have to push people away so they don't hurt me.  

4th-Apr-2011 12:00 am - WAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  So I was in my first most pit ever, and it was FUCKING awesome! I can't wait to do it again!! I also clam baked for the first time I've smoked weed before, plenty of times but never in a van outside of a concert, it felt so 70's, also the shit. Ever since the concert I just want to get fucked up.  Like wahhhh(hence my title) I'm so hyped up right now, I have no actual drugs on hand so I snorted a benidyrll, took a couple generic sudafeds,  some caffeine pills and an aspirin and chased it with some mouth wash. Sounds pretty lame but I'm feeling pretty fucking good, I'm like bouncing right now, I was moshing by myself. 

  I'm getting pretty fed up with a friend of mine, we both dated the same guy, she dated him after I did, and fucked me over to get with him, and she fucking calls me bragging tonight because she's fucking around with his best friend, saying he's only jealous because he was madly in love with her and that she's the only girl he ever loved that way. Bullshit, the kid fucking hates that bitch because she got an abortion with his kid and is walking around saying "fuck yeah I killed that motherfuckers kid, and i'm glad I did" WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT?! and I know I referred to her as a friend but I only befriend her because she gets some good weed. 

  Shit's not going okay with this kid I like, I guess. He's acting like he doesn't like me as much any more, which sucks because I was really starting to feel like I could open up to him, but whatever, I don't need anyone in this fucking world, I've relied on myself and I will continue to do so. I feel so fucking good right now.  

  I know I shouldn't do the things I do, and part of me is screaming stop doing the fucking shit your doing you don't want to be a druggie fuck up, but part of me is screaming do it, try it, get fucked up. I'm suicidal, alright I'll admit it, but it's like the part of me that is, the part of my brain that whispers get fucked up so what if you die you want to anyway is saying that, and the rational side, the side that says don't go get your father's gun and blow your brains against the wall is the part that is saying don't fuck up your life like this. It's weird though, when I try to see my future I can't see it, like I'm not meant to have one, maybe I just live in the present, maybe I'll end up killing myself one day. Who the fuck knows, I'm fucked up right now and rambling so if your reading this thinking, woah I should get this girl some help before she does anything crazy, DON'T. i'm just rambling mindlessly because I'm fucked up. I think I have multiple personalities. Like I'm constantly at war with myself, trying to decide which life I should live.  I'll admit I'm a little crazy.





26th-Mar-2011 01:11 am - Ranting.
Ugh. Sibling drama is the worst. I shouldn't have sibling drama, really. Yet I do. You see I've pretty much been like a mother to my 2 younger sisters in the past(I'm the oldest of 3) and I'm not talking hardcore baby sitting everyday although that was part of it, I'm talking being the adult in the situation when both parents were home because my mother was to busy being bat shit crazy and my father was too busy dying with cancer.(I don't begrudge him this, it wasn't exactly his choice) but anyway, I was the one, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, helping with home work, I was the one that when we went to the store was saying, "don't stand on the buggy, and no you don't need a pack of M&M's we just ate lunch". In public I've been mistaken as their actual mother because of the way I take care of them. I've taken them to school events and gave them piggy back rides if they were tired, I listened to their problems, protected them when my mother went crazy and waved a gun around threaten to kill herself. I promised to always protect them and I have. All of this at the ages of 14 and 15. (I'm 17 now) But do they care at all? Of course not, my 13 year old sister told me today that she can't wait until I'm 18 so I can get the fuck out of HER house and her life. She called me a vapid whore, and brought up the fact that I hid my depression by cutting myself when I was younger, laughed in my  face about the ONE mental break down I had while my father was sick.(Well excuse me it got a bit stressful playing, mother, marriage counselor, and therapist at the age of 14 and not really showing any signs of breaking until that point.) My sisters locked me out of the house to day, literally yelling "Fuck you bitch" as I banged on the door trying to get back in.  So I really think with all I've done for them, for this whole fucking family really I deserve a tiny little bit of respect. Yes, I do bad some bad things, I sleep with guys(they on;y know about one) I smoke some pot, and I don't run with the best crowd, occasionally stop eating and every now and then I give into the temptation of the razor blade but hey, I kinda raised myself though those years when everyone else I knew was taking lessons from their parents on "how to avoid peer-pressure, well that and my parents don't care any more about what I do because they disowned, for talking to my ex-boyfriend and smoking cigarettes of all things.  But do those things really make me a bad person undeserving of a little respect? I don't feel it should.

In other news, another manwhore started talking to me.  This one is uber pathetic, he has a kid with this girl who he claims he's not dating anymore, probably because he cheated on her the entire time she was pregnant and now he's talking to me, telling me how he just wishes he had a girlfriend to talk to and hang out with. Like seriously? Could he sound anymore like a player? As for the other manwhore, he is renouncing his self-proclaimed manwhore status and telling me he wishes he could fall asleep with me in his arms. So sweet it makes me sad, to bad I don't believe he's done being a manwhore.

Have a Word:  Vapid- without liveliness or spirit; dull or tedious.

24th-Mar-2011 12:52 am - A consecutive 2 in a Row
  I'll be damned, I've managed to drag myself to the computer, two days in a row and this time I even managed to type livejournal.com into the address bar and actually come update this thing again.  What to update on, what to update on....

   Hmm Oh! I know, I'll talk about boys.  Okay so I had to tell this one guy I was talking to I didn't want to sleep with him at all, and he got all sad and wanted to take me on another date. Actually made me feel really guilty. My other male friend though the one I'm actually fucking made me feel less guilty and said I did the right thing. About that guy though(the one I'm actually fucking) let's call him Tim, you see he is one tough cookie to figure out, he's one of those guys that gets you to agree to sleep with him then turns on the charm after you agree, I don't know if anyone's told him, but he's doing it wrong! Anyway, I decided to throw myself a bone and ask if he likes me, I mean I already fucked the guy so I could care less, but he was all, "I can't tell you now, I'll tell you tomorrow." What the hell does that mean? And when I told him about the other guy(one who wants to take me out on a date) he was all like "tell him you have a man to satisfy you" So I'm all what the duck? Men and their silly testosterone induced actions.

     I have to read The Great Gatsby for english class, I'm not thrilled. Now normally I'm the type of girl who will read anything, including the shampoo bottle in the shower(shout out to herbal essences, they're the most interesting) but this book has absolutely bored be beyond belief. All everyone is doing is flirting and cheating on each other, if I wanted to read about that I'd go to facebook. And my mother is all "You have to read it!" and Netflix doesn't even have it available.


 

Well well well, it seems I've taken my sweet time since my last and only post, but here I am back again. I don't have much to write, life is pretty boring aside from the typical teenage mellow drama.  I've lost most of my friends, gained a few fuck buddies.(Sex on an oil well is a interesting experience)  Yes, the glamorous life of the high school harlot, ahh how I bask in lowering my self-worth, actually there is no self-lowering about it but isn't that the stuff that moralistic society throws at us to keep us from opening our legs? I actually suppose I enjoy flirting around and occasionally fucking whatever man I feel like, it does wonders for the self-esteem to make men want you.

Anywhom, what else to share with the world? Ah, I suppose I should mention my depression it leads to many lovely dinner discussions in my house. I guess it concerns my parents a tiny little bit when I non-chanlantly declare I couldn't care less if I live or die, but I really don't care about any thing now-a-days. I have a good life, one worth being thankful for, but I am not happy. I try to be, but I just can't ever seem to really summon that joyous feeling of utter bliss we've all come to know as happiness, dear world I am sorry for that. I always feel like such a selfish little bitch when I talk about my depression, I wish I could be fixed, but my parents are against the whole medicate until they drool route many doctors seem to be taking recently.

Well I do beleive I just emptied all the contents that are currently on my mind into this online thought receptical. Good night everyone, if the mood strikes me, I may even post again.

Conceptualize- to form into a concept; make a concept of.
28th-Jul-2010 11:13 pm - Unimaginitive name of my first post!
Hello there, so I highly doubt this will be looked at that much by anyone other then myself, but what the hell? Maybe I'll have some odd, slightly creepy over eager reader who actually enjoys what I write. Or maybe not. I was randomly inspired to write one of these blog things. I don't really recall what inspired me to start one. I guess I must have some thoughts I feel like sharing with strangers, who will have to learn to either love or ignore my spelling errors, run on sentences and spontaneous outburst of completely irrelevant possibly offensive information and or rants.  
Any-whom, it's thunder-storming, I love thunderstorms, but this one was loud and threatening me with a power outage as I filled out the first 20 or so bands that popped into my head for the music section of this and of whole bunch of other random shit I doubt you have interest in. But a power failure before I saved my changes, so not what I want, Haha.  Next up, anyone find it idiotic to be the teenage daughter of a lung cancer survivor and smoke? I do! And I'm the idiot that does! My father went back to smoking though after his recovery so I suppose the gene must run in the family.  What doesn't run in the family? Alcohol tolerance, yes sir/ma'am, I'm the one chick at the party who loves to drink, but gets drunk easily and then does stupid things such as try to seduce her ex-boyfriend's best friend, then sobers up and wishes she wasn't out of alcohol, or well, maybe that's just me, at least I don't puke.

Here's a word I learned -  Maelstrom: n. whirlpool; a state or turbulence or confusion.



 
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