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26th-Oct-2012 01:53 am - I still don't give a FUCK!
 This whole Amanda Todd Anti-Bullying movement is annoying as fuck. You see, I was never bullied in High School, I never gave enough of a damn about my peers to be bullied.  Don't get me wrong, a few people tried and my response was always along the lines of "I'm sorry, am I supposed to give a flying fuck about your opinion of me?" You see, after that retort, no body really had much to say to me, I mean how can you insult some body who values your opinion about as much as a visually impaired person values visual art.  That's what's wrong with these kids today, their fed the 'poor me bullshit' from the start, they're all a bunch of self-pitying little pussies, who over value the opinions of people they're only going to a few years with. These kids go out act like fucking morons, and then expect their mistakes to not haunt them, their not living in the real world I'm sorry, would you call an unwed mother with 9 kids by 9 different Dad's a saint or angel? I didn't think so, you'd call her loose, a whore, ect. That woman however though will most likely at some point in her life realize, yeah I've made mistakes, but oh well nothing I can do now, but change the way I'm living. So why does world tell these kids it's the rest of the world's fault and they shouldn't have to face any shit for their actions, why is some teenage girl who slept around, got fucked up on drugs and alcohol, and flashed her tits the poster child at the moment for "Anti-Bully Movement?" For those of you've who've read my blog before, yeah I do some of that shit, but if any one were to bring it up to me, I'd look them in the face and say, "Yes I did do that, it was fun, have a nice day!"  because I know how to face my actions and put my big girl panties on.      

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely unsympathetic to the bullied youth, I believe there are some genuine kids who do not  deserve to be bullied, but that's a pretty short list, it basically consist  of the mentally challenged, medically challenged(kids with diseases that cause weight gain/lose and other physical issues.) and the poor because lets face it's not their fault their were born into a shitty poverty ridden economy. Those kids, I actually stood up for and befriended, but I will not under any circumstances stand up for or feel sorry for these whiny little brats that bring the bullying upon themselves because their fucking dumb asses. 
5th-Jul-2012 11:44 pm - So why all the dots man?
So yeah, I hate when I text my dude friends and call them baby by accident because I'm so used to texting my boyfriend and they text back all like baby? Then put all kinds of dots when I tell then it was meant of my boyfriend, like what the fuck it was a mistake. Don't get all awkward about it,  and yeah they might like me because eventually all my dude friends do(mostly because I'm like the most epic and insane train wreck ever) but it's like why wait until I'm in a relationship? You know me for months when I'm single and miserable, why wait until I'm happily off the market to say something? Also I know I sound vain but, I've been though this MANY times before and I know the drill, also when your all interrogating my boyfriend about why he wants to come up here, and suddenly announce you want to break up with your girlfriend, when you find out me and him are temporarily broken up it kind of gives you away. i know how to pick up on the little thing and I have not been wrong yet, I just don't see why your guys timing always sucks nuts, why wait until i'm  happy then create awkward drama.  END RANT!
22nd-Apr-2012 12:44 pm - I feel dead.
  I hate that I no matter how fucked up I get I still feel numb. I hate the fact that I can smoke bowl after bowl or drink shot after shot and still not feel any emotion. I hate that I've become so safe, watching from the side lines the life I wish I could live. I hate the fact that I pray to God to not let me die, when that's all I want to do. I hate that I feel like I'm living for everyone else and not myself, I'm living for people who don't even see the lack of emotion in my eyes. I want to feel, something, anything. Pain, regret, sorrow, love. I want to  No body even realizes I'm screaming, no body cares that I hate to eat, that I hate when I look in the mirror and see this fake looking back at me. I hate who I am, what I am, I hate feeling like I'm nothing more then a ghost anymore incapable of feeling anything and to safe too try. Trashed or sober, I'm still numb.   
3rd-Oct-2011 08:51 pm - Mundane
Apparently when you mix beer and lavender body mist you can make a men's  clone. How did I make this odd discovery you ask? Well I attempted my first beer bong, which failed miserably, causing me to wear the entire can of Coors Light I attempted to bong. So I put my clothes in my friend's dyer (unknowingly with my phone included, it survived though) and they got all dry for the most part but I sprayed then just for good measure. Then I came home and my mother looks at me and declares I smell like men's clone. And so my tale is told and now does not seem nearly as interesting. Damn I'm a boring. Oh well what do you expect from a home schooled senior who works 6 days a week? 

I started a new diet, I did good for the first to days but bombed today, mostly because most diet plans don't include beer. That's about it for news, other then I turn 18 soon. =) 

5th-May-2011 03:18 am - Hmmmm.
    Well I'm in an oddly more chipper mood tonight. Bi-Polar disorder possibly? Ironic I should say that my sister told me I was today.  

    I'm in a "I wish I had some type of talent so I could be really creative" type of mood tonight. I wish I could write and preform music, it's just so amazing the things people can do with instruments and their voices. How they can get out everything they are feeling though those delightful vibrations of sound.  Well that was about all I wanted to post. Ive given up on posting about guys, I've declared done-ness and am now looking into local convents and/or cat shelters.  It's 3:30 AM here, My plans are to pee and sleep.  

P.S. I'd for like anyone who reads this to check out Alexz Johnson, I know she's from a TV show and all, but her music is kind of amazing. I'll post a link when I'm more awake.
29th-Apr-2011 12:01 am - Dust.

      I feel cold. I feel like I’m dead inside, like I died and no one told me. The world, it cut itself off from me. I’ve been abandon far too many times, used and forgotten about.  The creatures in charge of my destiny, I must have angered them somehow early in life.  I feel so lost, I can’t even get the words typed out to express this feeling, it seems more then hopelessness, depression, or despair, it feels like death. I wish it was. I don’t want to think anymore, my mind has run out of stuff to think about, so it buzzes, I’m not even sure why, but it’s driving me crazy. I want to cry, the restlessness is the worst, the buzzing and the metaphorical bugs crawling under my skin, they won’t let me be. I’ve given up on being happy. I’ve given up on a lot. I don’t want friends, or a boyfriend(I hate that word boyfriend, it’s stupid.) they would eventually hurt me, fuck me over, or abandon me and I’ve finally had my limit of that; I put on the brave face and shrugged it off so many times, I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want family, I’ll only hurt them, let them down, or disappoint them; I’m tired of being the monster, the bad influence, and the water mark on the picture.  I’ve given up on the human race, on the world in general. I’ve given up on hopes, dreams or plans. I no longer ‘party’ for the fun of it, I party because it makes the buzzing and the bugs stop. People think I need religion, I don’t want religion. I want to disappear. I want to fade out of this world. I’m not meant for it. I’ve tired starving myself out of it, but my self-control was pitiful and I gave into the temptations of food.  That was never about weight, it was about becoming so tiny I was nothing more than a speck to be blown away in the wind. I wish I didn’t think this way. I wish I could keep the brave face up, keep accepting the shit the world keeps shoving at me, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.  This almost sounds like a suicide note. Don’t get me wrong, there are people out there who I have to stay in this world for, people I am genetically inclined keep living for. I do not fear my own death, only how it would affect them, I love them enough to want to avoid causing them that pain, even if I don’t understand why it would be felt.  I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore, I’m just letting the maelstrom of thoughts out, and I guess this is the buzzing when I slow it down enough to listen to it. Despite living in a house with 4 people who are genetically inclined to care about me, I’ve never been more alone.  

14th-Apr-2011 10:45 pm - I hate change.

      Ever go some where that has always been the same way, and then one day you go there and it's completely different? Like someone, fucked that shit up? Ever do it with a web site? Like get used to a message board sending out the same basic idea and message and then getting on there one day to find it's been completely changed. The site i'm referring to is Prettythin.com, they used to be kinda pro-ana, but not to the extreme, just kinda helpful to those who suffer from the disease. now it almost seems as though they are a Ana- recovery site. It just kinda upsets me because i've always looked to the site for inspiration and motivation. Now I feel like it's telling me i'm living my life wrong and that I should be trying to recover, but I'm not ready too.

8th-Apr-2011 11:51 pm - WTF.
Since when do I have to link to google in order to log into youtube. ALL I WANTED WAS TO ADD A FUCKING VIDEO TO MY PLAYLIST! But in order to do that, I had to try and fail to log in, send the information to my email account(which never sent) browse though old emails in order to find my old OLD OLD confirmation code, in order to type it all in and have them tell me I have to make a fucking google account. WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY?! What happened to the fucking days when you could just sign into ONE site, do what you have to do and ENJOY the internet, now it has more fucking security then the fucking government and it's BULLSHIT!

7th-Apr-2011 03:08 am - =)
  I'm in a much better mood today then I was yesterday, cleaned my room, sorted my dresser, and organized my closet. I got a lot done today. I still didn't do school, but shoot me I'm a teenager, and it's homeschooling. I'm staying up late so I can wake my Dad up for work at 4. It's been pretty boring. 

  I went out to Tagged, it's a social networking site for mostly just teens where you can go and flirt with complete strangers. Some of the guys are really sweet and I definitely have my favorites.

  I've also kind of decided what I want to do with my life, I want to help people. I've always wanted to be a social worker, but now I'm leaning more towards working in other countries, like peace corps or missionary work. There is a slight problem with both those ideas though, you have to go to college for 4 years in order to get in the peace corps, and I'm not very religious so missionary work doesn't fit me that great. Hopefully though I'll find a program that I can get into soon and that works for me so I can start helping people. If you ask me it seems silly to pay thousands of dollars in tuition to go to college to help people, when you could just save that money and take it with you to help your cause.
  Why is it when you have to stay up late do you suddenly feel so tired? Any other night I'm wide awake even with sleep aids, but tonight I HAVE to stay up and I may as well be crawling around saying "Braaaaiiiinnnnssss bbbrrrrrrraaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnns I want to eat your brains" I am that tired. 

  Part of my good mood is that I've decided to try and fast tomorrow, if that goes well there will be another pleasant post like this, if not, well there will be a post like the few before this one. i'm actually very proud of myself for keep up on this the way I have. It's not like anyone is reading it but still, who knows maybe someday some one will, I just hope it's not anyone I've bad mouthed on here. That could get very bad. 

  Another reason I could be in such a good mood is I've managed to ignore that one friend of mine that I mentioned before, she calls me over EVERY little thing in her life, it gets so annoying, but oh well. I think that is all for tonight.

Have a Word:  Benevolent-characterized by or expressing goodwill or kindly feelings

5th-Apr-2011 06:03 pm - Fml.

Blahhhhh. I don't want to be alive anymore. I'm so annoyed at everything right now, and I'm out of ciggarettes.

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